Humour Page

Academia

Bad Grades A small boy gives his teacher a surprise. Posted to the aus.jokes newsgroup. A History of the World As revealed to an American teacher by his students ("from eight[h] grade through college level"). A Lesson About Lipstick About a school with a lip print problem. Posted to the aus.jokes newsgroup. Research Papers: A Glossary Pearls of wisdom from some weary soul out on the Net.

Anecdotes

Betting on the Horses A young man explains the mysteries of horse racing to a young woman. From the aus.jokes newsgroup. Birthday Sweater Be careful what you ask for! Posted to the aus.jokes newsgroup. The Brick Layer's Accident Report A humble tradesman provides a "fuller explanation" to his insurance assessors as to why "poor planning" put him in traction. From the aus.jokes newsgroup. Happy Birthday From the aus.jokes newsgroup. Little Mary Little Mary shocks her parents. From the aus.jokes newsgroup. Milk Bath Gloria orders 15 gallons of milk from her milkman. From the aus.jokes newsgroup. Modern Cosmology This one appeared on the sci.astro newgroup. New Car One guy explains to another about his uncle's new set of wheels. Posted to the aus.jokes newsgroup. The Priest's Collar Posted to the aus.jokes newsgroup. Red China From the aus.jokes newsgroup. Role Reversal A reporter discovers how life has changed for women in Kuwait. Posted to the aus.jokes newsgroup. Scavenger Hunt Posted to the aus.jokes newsgroup. Single Black Female "Single black female seeks male companionship..." Posted to the aus.jokes newsgroup. Ten Again A husband gives his wife a birthday present. From the aus.jokes newsgroup. That Dirty Dog About a man, a dog, and a little white rabbit. (I was tempted to park this one under "Urban Legends"!) From the aus.jokes newsgroup.) Wonderful Childhood From the aus.jokes newsgroup.

The Box in the Corner

Gilligan's Rewrite An amusing (off-topic) discussion that took place on the rec.arts.books.tolkien newsgroup a few years back.

Christmas Cheer

The Housewife's Lament "T'was the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;   I was cooking and baking and moanin' and bitchin'..." From the aus.jokes newsgroup. I slightly rearranged one line to make the rhythm fit better. (The original can be found here.) A veritable plague of variations on the "'Twas the night..." theme can be found here. (See also The Worm Before Christmas below under the Computer Humour section.) Jingle Bells [With Kids] Posted to the aus.jokes newsgroup. Rest in Peace What would you do if you caught somebody in your rumpus room in the middle of the night? Posted to the aus.politics newsgroup. (Note: "Qld" == "Queensland", Australia.)

Computer Humour

Alice In Unixland Lewis Carroll's young heroine visits the wonders of Unixland. Computer Illiteracy and Users Anecdotes about the optically-challenged & cerebrally-deficient computer user. Extra! New Use Found for Nut-breaking Technology Appeared (amongst other places) on the IT Forum mailing list. A somewhat expanded (and copyrighted) version can be found here. Girlfriend Version 1.0 A bug report on some old software circulating out in the marketplace. From the aus.jokes newsgroup. (I've done some slight grammatical editing to make the text "flow" better.) A Guide to Programming Languages That version uses HTML tables. A non-table version is here. If Computers were Cars From the aus.jokes newsgroup. If Operating Systems were Airlines A somewhat different (and expanded) version (partly by Robert Albritton) can be found here. If People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers Internet Addiction You know you're an Internet addict when... Microsoft House V3.0 Bill Gates has a run-in with the support technician for his new house. Author unknown. Another copy can be found here (missing). Mordor-soft Some people have to run their CDs backwards to unearth the uncanny. One user has his Windows one tossed into a microwave oven and discovers it comes complete with a strange and disturbing inscription! (Do not try this at home!  :-)  ) You'll need to have read Tolkien to best understand this one! Posted to the rec.arts.books.tolkien newsgroup. The Mother of all Pentiums. HAL & Dave (of 2001: A Space Odyssey fame) and the now-infamous Pentium bug. Nine Types of Users The trials and tribulations of a Student Consultant. Ode To My Spell Checker On the limits of spelling checkers. From the aus.jokes newsgroup. P.E.T.S. Bugs, P.E.T.S. (People for the Ethical Treatment of Software), and the evils of software testing. ("'There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies like these can market new products,' said Ken Granola, spokesperson for PETS.") Appeared on the aus.jokes newsgroup. The Smoking Power Supply The customer is always right. From the aus.jokes newsgroup. Software Engineering Glossary of Product Terminology Thanks to the Dumpty Dictionary, Version 2.0 you too can now find out what all those big fancy new terms the computer industry uses mean! Ones like "New", "Upgraded", "Advanced Design"... (Appeared on the aus.jokes newsgroup.) Two Digits for a Date: The Ballad of the Year 2000 Bug "Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,   Of the doom that is our fate,   That started when programmers used   Two digits for a date..." Originally appear on the aus.jokes newsgroup. I modified it a little to improve the fit of the rhythm to its theme tune & reposted it. (For the curious, the original post can be found here.) Another copy of the original can be found here, this one claiming a "Paschal S. Hammond" as the author. A User's guide to Real Programmers Not to mention Real Computer Scientists and Real Software Engineers. Plus the startling truth about the origins of UNIX and the C programming language as revealed by The Vogon News Service. Vehicles to Cruise the Infobahn This appeared on the student email out at Australia's Macquarie University. The Worm Before Christmas "'Twas the night before finals, and all through the lab   Not a student was sleeping, not even McNabb..." Note: a "worm" is a kind of computer virus.

The Daily Grind

Dilbert Quotes A magazine ran a contest looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the top ten finalists. Posted to the aus.jokes newsgroup. ("Quote from the Boss: 'Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.'")

The Family Circus

Children As Pets "I just realized that while children are dogs--loyal and affectionate--teenagers are cats." (From the aus.jokes newsgroup.) Great Truths From Little Children "Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying." (From the aus.jokes newsgroup.)

Guys and Dolls

Dictionary Terms Posted to the aus.jokes newsgroup. ("COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. ... male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.") The Differences Between Men and Women "A man has six items in his bathroom--a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437." Appeared on the aus.jokes newsgroup. How to Cook a Husband Or how to keep yours out of hot water. Posted to the aus.jokes newsgroup. ("A good many husbands are utterly spoiled by mismanagement in cooking and so are not tender and good.") Men's Guide to Selecting Their Clothes And you thought we just pulled on any old thing! :-) Why a Man Can't Win Posted to the aus.jokes newsgroup.

A Law Unto Itself

Divorce Court A judge in a divorce case makes an offer too good to refuse! (From the aus.jokes newsgroup.) May it please the court Gems of wisdom from actual court cases! (From the aus.legal newsgroup.) (December 2000 update: added a few more from another post to the same newsgroup.) Small Fires A lawyer finds a new use for a box of cigars. From the aus.jokes newsgroup. (PS According to the Snopes urban legends web site, this tale is indeed an urban myth.)

The 'Net

Do Not Feed the Trolls A troll is a small, green creature of noctural habits that lives under a rock on Usenet newsgroups and WWW discussion boards. Its feeding habits are the stuff of fearsome legend! Instead of dining on beautiful maidens, bold knights, or other delicacies, it lurks in waiting for the unwary user, whereupon it slithers out, belches a "flame" or two, and proceeds to munch on the pious outrage of the roasted remnants. Here is one user's response to an infestation. Posted to the sci.space.policy newsgroup. Do Not Feed the Trolls Part II: The Alien And here is another user's response to a further outbreak on the same newsgroup (sci.space.policy).

Politically Speaking

A PC Fairytale Little Red Riding Hood has a run-in with an endangered species on her way to visit her grandmother with a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water. ("'But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?'") Teaching Maths the "Politically Correct" Way Originally appeared on the aus.politics newsgroup. (Note: "Long Bay" is the name of an Australian gaol (aka "jail").)

Shiretalk (See also Mordor-soft up in Computer Humour.)

Lord of the Rings, The Role-Playing Game Tie-in Novel: A Review A look at the "second 'Middle-Earth' novel to be published under license to GameQuest Inc" by that Tolkien fellow. White Council Conference Extracts from a discussion thread that took place on the rec.arts.books.tolkien newsgroup in early September 2001 that put a Middle-earthian spin on multicultural relations.

Slice of Life

When to quit the film business

Spaced Out

Barsoom and Roswell The Martian Air Force and that Ares Vallis "incident". Cats in Zero Gee A researcher decides to find out how felines will react to free fall. From the sci.space.policy newsgroup. Funding Opportunity NASA has retroactively renamed the Mars Pathfinder spacecraft the "Carl Sagan Memorial Station". What if...? A New Name for the Big Bang Banter from the sci.astro newsgroup. Planning Obsolescence NASA's unmanned space probes have an unfortunate habit of living long past their advertised use-by dates... The Space Alien's Logbook The truth is out there! A day in the (busy) life of a space alien. Posted to the aus.jokes newsgroup. The Space Pen On NASA's solution to the problem of writing in freefall. Posted to the aus.jokes newsgroup.

Urban Legends

The $0.00 Check Once upon a time, "in the month of March", a guy got this bill for his "as yet unused" credit card... Posted to the aus.jokes newsgroup. (I've done some slight editing to correct grammar & capitalisation, & inserted one or two obviously missing words.) Revenge is Sweet Leola Starling and the Ribrock Plaza Motel. (From the aus.jokes newsgroup.) Secret of a Long Life An explosive tale. Posted to the aus.jokes newsgroup.

The Wonders of English

How to Fix the English Language By the EU's spelling reform experts. Making Sense of English "You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on." Appeared on the aus.jokes newsgroup. Medical Terminology Posted to the aus.jokes newsgroup. ("Dilate...To live long", "Nitrates...Cheaper than day rates") Why English Teachers are Important The perils of punctuation. Posted to the aus.jokes newsgroup.

Miscellaneous

50 Actual Newspaper Headlines "Kids Make Nutritious Snacks", "Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge", and other howlers. Posted to the aus.jokes newsgroup. Aviation Aphorisms Posted to the aus.jokes newsgroup. ("Those who hoot with the owls by night, should not fly with the eagles by day.") If You Carrot All For Me "A Fruit and Veg Valentine Poem". Posted to the aus.jokes newsgroup. One Liners Posted to the aus.jokes newsgroup. ("When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.") Oxymorons "Small crowd", "living dead", "working vacation", and other gems. From the aus.jokes newsgroup. Rules for Cats With a House to Run Or "How to Live with the Human in Your Life." Full of helpful hints. ("When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to leap on the back of the paper. They love to jump.") Unwitting Signs Posted to the aus.jokes newsgroup. Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? From the aus.jokes newsgroup.